i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
