I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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