I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
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Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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