Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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