I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
