i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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