My first STD was from a foam party
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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