We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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