i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
