fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
