no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
