I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
