No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
