my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
