i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
