Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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