Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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