Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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