I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
