So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
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You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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