My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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