I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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