so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
