I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
