The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
