So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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