so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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