nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
