what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She announced her abortion via fbk
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
3 2 1 whiskey
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.