Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
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almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How external is "for external use only"?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
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Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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