I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
