I wanna bring you to show and tell
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
