you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?