I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
