I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The best revenge is premature balding
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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