The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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