so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
