Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You had me at "let me see your balls"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
