are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
