You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
