Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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