I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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