I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
