During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
