i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
