I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
