onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
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you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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