Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
