new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
