It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
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On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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