i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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