no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't want my vagina anymore.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
