Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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