This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
