Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
