and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
