Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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