Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
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