is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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