shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
how does that bad decision feel?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
