Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
