Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
